Don't say hello, it's not you I am looking for.

We can all agree that consistency is a vital ingredient for success. Even being a jerk requires a BA in persistence and a high level of consistency. Hence, there are no semi-jerks, only jerks.  No part time douchbags, only full time ones. I am not sure ,where I am going with this but please bear with me while I gather my thoughts.

Right, where was I? Ohhh yes, I am right here where I left me.  If you are a resident of the wonderful island of great Britain and also a parent,  you'd be 6 weeks into your back to school jamboree/celebrations/festivities .  Yes, it's probably time to pack away the gin and tonic and return to whatever it is you do while your kids are busy chewing their pencils at school. Ooor maybe not, because allo allo, next week is half term. Did somebody say, how time flies?

I must say, the first week of the back to school saga wasn't nearly as dreadfully exciting as I thought it would be. Sadly, no one asked me about what I got up to during the summer holidays. How dare they be so blatantly not bothered about my summer time shenanigans. Instead,  i caught myself on 3 occasions asking some parents what they got up to during the summer. I know right, what could have possibly come over me to push me to do such a dastardly thing? I don't know, peer pressure?  Beer pressure? Societal expectations? Boredom? or maybe it was that time of the month, who knows?

Beer pressure or not, I did notice something peculiar on the school /run. I noticed that certain parents aren't particularly sure whether or not they want to say hello to me. I should point out without further hesitation that I am not in any way, shape or form a morning person. I am not even sure I am an afternoon person. For all I know, I could be a vampire slash ware wolf slash voodoo priestess. My point is, while I do enjoy the school run banter sometimes, I really wouldn't go out of my way or any body's way to increase the number of people I say hello to on the school run. If there is a healthy salary involved, I may reconsider my position but until then, Bob is most certainly not my uncle.

This is me trying to be consistent with my blogging and me also struggling to get my ideas across. Maybe it's time to take that inspirational sip of cold beer i normally reserve for situations like this. Anyway, so these parents who aren't sure whether or not they want to say hello to me most certainly do not float my goat, or my boat or both my goat and my boat. May be it's an English thing, but my thing is, we either say hello consistently or we don't say hello consistently. I don't do the one foot in the grave and the other in the pub stylee. Do you  know that sound, facial expression and hand gesture you do when you say hello? Yes, that exact one.  If I do it a few times and you act like you didn't see me, that's the end of  me ever saying hello to you. I just can't be arsed.  Life is stressful nought without a cold beer. The last thing I  don't need are parents who say hello on Tuesday and Friday but not on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.  Like totally eff that in the eyeballs. 

So, being the consistent and  brilliant strategist  that I am. I know, thank you for appreciating myself awarded compliment, I  have put together a 4 step ( only 4 steps) programme on how to completely avoid saying hello to people who aren't consistent with saying hello to you or me.

Observation: in order to completely avoid saying hello to people who are not consistent with saying hello to you, you must first be certain that they indeed do pick and chose when they feel like saying hello to you. To do so, you must observe and count how many times you publicly humiliated yourself  in the process of waving or saying  hello to said person. if you need to employ both your hands in order to do the counting, my dear, its time to plug the pull.

Conclusion: after meticulous observation, you will naturally come to a conclusion. If you conclude that said person is not ignoring you intentionally, you may stop reading this now and proceed to find something else better to do with your life, if you however conclude that said  person or persons are indeed picking and choosing when they want to  say hello to you, please swiftly proceed to step number 3.

Avoidance; once observation has been done and conclusions have been reached, the very next thing to do is to avoid eye contact with the perpetrator of crimes against human decency.  You may find this tricky at first, especially if Mr or Mrs inconsistent hello catches you off guard and suddenly decides to say hello to you because they won 5 pounds in the national lottery the previous day. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP,  i repeat, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP. Once you have reached the avoidance stage of my 4 step program, there is absolutely no going back, going back is for losers who just love going back. If for whatever reason, you see said person or persons  raising their hands to say hello to you, swiftly switch your gaze to something else. if you have a phone, that would be a good time to check your text messages. if you haven't got a phone, grab one from the nearest passer by and pretend to check their text messages for them.

The Avoidance stage is by far the hardest  and most awkward stage because you have to consciously make the effort to avoid eye with said person while subtly by clearly conveying the message to them that you will not be engaging in pleasantry exchanges with them any more. The length of this stage varies from person to person.  Some people-bless them, take yeaaaars to complete this stage. Some people take a few weeks, while some take a few days.  Take as long as you like, the most important thing is to remain consistent in your efforts. Once you are sure you have effectively conveyed this message, it is time to graduate to step 4, the final stage.

Final resolution: welcome to the  final stage of my 4 step programme.   I have three well deserved pats on the back for you for  hanging in there, you will surely thank me later. After all your effort from step 1 through to step 3, its finally time to reap the benefits of all your hard work. This is the stage where you completely stop avoiding eye contact and return your gaze to normal. You may choose to look said person or persons  dead in the eye when you see them, it is totally up to you. The most important thing is the absolute comfort and joy you will feel from knowing that you never have to say hello to a person or persons who are consistent in saying hello to you.

you may also find my 4.5 step programme to faking a real smile very helpful..it will soon be winter, trust me, its going to come in very very handy.

copyright YCMuzan